Yesterday, I was driving down 271, heading to our annual Gaggle Christmas in July err August party. I was alone for once and blasting music and drinking La Croix. (This year we decided to Float the River, IT WAS SUPER FUN!) I had a day of freedom, drinks on ice, girlfriends en route, and everything was set for perfection. Why then did I find myself crying just moments later? Like the ugly no holds bar kind of cry! What was happening? I paused just for a moment and realized I missed Heidi. A wave of sadness hit me, and it hit me hard.
The night before I had been at her daughters 10th birthday party, and it was fabulous! Great weather, yummy food and drinks, a blow-up Wiffle ball game and to top it off a slip and slide. Family and friends from near and far gathered together to celebrate and it was near perfect.
There was a moment when we were singing happy birthday when I slowed down and paused just for a moment. I looked up at Heidi’s beautiful daughter and the adorable number ten balloons on her cake and the sadness crept in. Without realizing I pushed it down, only to have it burst back out when I finally allowed myself to slow down and be alone.
The passing of time is both healing and brutally sad all at once. Some days it feels that time is healing me, and at the very same moment, it feels like time is ripping out my heart.
Once I got the ugly crying out. I felt the feels. I was sad that Heidi wasn’t there. She would have been the hostess with the mostess. Serving drinks and hot dogs with a smile. I felt the sadness that goes with the passing of birthdays without her. I was sad that her daughter is turning 10 and she is not the one carrying the cake. I was more than sad, I was mad.
I breathed and paused and thought back to parties when she could be there and found comfort in warm memories of past years. I also paused and smiled and felt comfort and love in all the new memories that were made at the lovely tenth birthday party.
All of this sadness will never go away. It will move and change and life will go forward in a new direction with its own wonderful memories, but the sadness and the loss will remain. And I will carry it proudly because, for me, it means Heidi lived. She was here and so loved, and now she is deeply missed.
We move forward and Float the River, and slip and slide and LIVE this beautiful wonderful life to its fullest. But in the quiet moments when the candles flicker, I remember Heidi. I wish all the way to the tips of my toes that her sweet soul was here with us. I know she is, in a different form and for that, I am forever grateful.
So if you find yourself ugly crying when you should be happy just breathe and feel it. There is love and comfort on the other side of those feelings.
Sure miss her sparkly blue eyes and big toothy smile, she was amazing. Sending love and birthday wishes to Heidi’s sweet daughter! I know Heidi is celebrating with her today and every day.
Until next time…