Remember me? The girl who wanted to write this blog to remember her friend and tell stories about their lives…I am still here and I am still writing and sharing but not as much from this platform as I once did.
Don’t mishear me though, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about this space. I am so thankful I jumped in and made a blog, and wrote and shared here. It helped me so much, it truly saved me in a way I was not even aware I needed to be saved.
In all honesty, it may have changed the whole trajectory of my work life for the future. I guess we will just have to wait and see. 🙂 In any event, I am so thankful I did it and I am so thankful that this space exists so that as things bubble up inside of me I have an outlet and ability to write and share when I need to.
Grief is such a weird and personal journey, and I am reminded of that time and time again. Everyone’s heart takes and deals with loss and change in so many ways, and no one way is right or wrong.
I feel like my grief has shifted, that it is still here and ever-present but it is no longer quite as dark or heavy. I notice my smile in photos and it looks real. I see a glow that wasn’t always there, since losing Heidi. It is not the same, it never will be, but there is a sparkle in my smile again and I see it, it’s here.
I know it took hard work but today it feels almost like somehow it has just happened. It is hard to explain. In any event, this is not to say that the sadness is gone either. It is just different…and I saw this recently when I helped Heidi’s husband go through some of her things.
Since Heidi died I had offered and reoffered to help with this process and the times I offered her husband was not in the space to want to do it. I always respected and understood that, and simply offered if and when the time came he was ready or if he felt overwhelmed I was here to help, always. In time he let me know he was ready, and I was so thankful he did.
We as humans accumulate things and “stuff” and breaking that down and deciding what stays and what goes is hard. In general to think about what we need vs. what we want or; what we like vs. what feels like our loved one is just plain hard. I tried thinking of a different word for hard, but to me, in this situation, the overuse is justified, because well it is just hard. It just is.
As I did my small part and helped Heidi’s husband with a very specific section of Heidi’s clothing I was reminded of her. Not all of her, as we change and get rid of so much, and with her illness, some of the items that she wore changed as her weight changed, so many of her truly “Heidi” clothing items were no longer there. However, amongst her things, I still felt a little part of her, but not in the things, in the memories.
In any event, it has been years since I offered and when prompted to help I was happy to and went into it feeling as though it was no big deal. As I looked through the items and decided what best to do with them I was able to keep a level head and go through what I needed to. Simply, realizing what made sense to keep, to share, and to donate. It felt “easy.” It felt simple. I was happy to have done it.
I took a few of her items home with me. They were in a small bag, and when I got home I opened it. When going through the items at her home I clung to many of them searching and scouring for her “smell” the special sent that reminds me of her and her home. I couldn’t find it. But, when I got home amongst my own smells, I was able to pull a faint scent of her laundry in an old sweatshirt and I felt the warm flood of tears fall. It surprised me.
These few items are just things they aren’t Heidi. Heidi is in the sparkles of the ocean, and the white of the snow. She is in the blue sky and the beautiful sunsets. She is in her daughter’s eyes and lives so warmly right in my heart. I know these things are just things and not her.
But, these items have brought back a longing a missing of her that feels sad, yes, but it feels warm now too. I like digging in my drawer and seeing an old sweatshirt of hers or wearing a shirt and when someones says ” I love your shirt.” I can say, “Thank you, it was Heidi’s.”
I love having a little something that is just a thing but was once her thing. I no longer put tons of importance on these things and I realize that if and when they bare a hole or no longer serve me I can get rid of them. I do not need to hold onto them to feel Heidi. But, for now, during this period the items warm my soul and remind me of, the life of the party, hilariously kind, sparkly blue-eyed girl, named Heidi.
In the same thought the release of the items that no longer served anyone felt good too. It felt as though my friend’s spirit could fly no longer tethered to items no one had a use for. A weight was lifted, but her beautiful memory and soul remained.
I have missed this space and sharing about my sweet friend. I hope to stop by again soon with a story.
Until next time…